I know stuff

Hairy Matt

2010-11-08T15:36:00.000-08:00

Matt: "It's been TEN YEARS and I STILL don't have facial hair!!!"

Mom: "Matt, you won't start getting facial hair until you hit puberty."

Matt: "But David (Matt's friend) said he's been in puberty THREE times already, and I haven't even been in it once!"

2010-11-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. Yeah. Kind of forgot that this thing existed.

Time to RESURRECT it!

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ninjas don't need tonsils

2009-09-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

Tina with Two Tonsils is soon to become Tina with Two Minus Two Tonsils!!! (have to keep with the alliteration!)

That's right, it's time to say goodbye to some life-long friends of mine. Maybe the Dr. will let me keep them. I could put them in a jar on my coffee table as a great conversation piece. Mmmm. Maybe they'll even find my twin in one of the tonsils!

I hear it's a horrible surgery as an adult, but I'm ok with it because I hear that tonsils just slow ninjas down. At least that's what EVERYBODY says.

2009-07-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

A handy list of things I'm afraid of:

(Ninja's are allowed to be afraid of 7 things)

1. Spiders. (too creepy for a picture)

2. SHARKS! Look at this picture!!! Do I REALLY need to explain this fear?

3. Whales. I know they're supposed to be all cute and cuddly, but they make me squirm in my seat.

4. Freaky Big Fish. (or any size fish for that matter) Fish this big should NOT be normal! Think of them swimming under you... where you can't see them...

5. Ominous weeds in water. The evil kind that are just waiting to tangle up your legs and drag you to a watery death!!! (I can hardly look at this picture!)

6. The ocean. And waves. I really don't like waves. And any form of ocean life. And pictures of ocean creatures. And great expanses of water. And boats that go into those great expanses of water...

AAAGGHHH!!!

I am now taking big, deep, cleansing breaths.

Ahh.

Much better.

I just can't scroll up.

7. Bricks. Not just any kind of bricks. The kind that I have to break for my 3rd dan test with my teeny, tiny HAND!!! The hand that is chuck full of breakable bones... and that is attached to a delicate wrist that I'm positive is NOT shatter-proof!!! And the kind of brick that has lots of jagged edges that like to bite and tear and rip apart your skin to make you pay for breaking it.

Yeah, I'm kind of scared of those kind of bricks. :(

April Fools Day 2009

2009-06-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

Unsuspecting Father falls Victim to Offspring Scam

A father, and resident of Eagle Mountain, returned home from work on Wednesday, April 1st just like any other day, but this day was to be far from ordinary.

"I knew the kids were in trouble the moment I walked in the door. They were both sitting in 'time out' chairs and neither looked very happy. I didn't see the wounds until I got closer."

What Ryan Gifford, the father of the children, didn't know was that it was all a ruse.

"I told him the boys had gotten into a fight. I told him Carter had cut Matt's face with his pocket knife and Matt had punched Carter in the face in retaliation." The boy's mother laughingly told reporters.

But the Father was far from laughing. Witnesses, including the children's grandparents, say he was "deeply concerned" and his reaction was one of shock and anger.

"He was really mad at us." Carter Gifford, one of the children sheepishly explained. "He told me I couldn't have a pocket knife anymore. He thought Matt was going to have to get stitches."

The game was soon revealed, however, and all involved had a good laugh. Even the dad.

"They got me." He admitted. "They really got me."

2009-05-21T11:42:00.001-07:00

http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/

Funniest blog EVER! My brother and sister-in-law told me about it and they are my new favorite people. The rest of you are going to have to try a little harder to get to the top of my list.

My new exercise video

2009-05-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

Watch this!!! You won't regret it!

BOYS!

2009-03-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

We live the law of Moses at the Gifford house. An eye for an eye and all that. Actually, it looks more like an eye for a tooth.

When Matt gets a hold of the camara!

2009-02-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

Anyone have any ideas on what this is a picture of? I think the lighter pink protrusion is Matt's tongue... other than that it's a mystery. Maybe I should blow it up, hang it in my home and call it art. All that it needs is a title.

2009-01-26T16:44:00.000-08:00

*** TINA SPARKLES***

So, I was asked by some friends where my nickname "Tina Sparkles" came from. One gal commented, "I just thought it was because you liked sparkles a lot, but that didn't really seem like you." I should hope not!!! My family started calling me Tina Sparkles when the movie Strictly Ballroom came out. HILARIOUS movie... and if you don't like it, then I don't like you. The first time you see it, it's weird... after that, it's just funny. Here's the only clip I could find that has a scene with the infamous Tina Sparkles. You have to keep watching for a few minutes before you get to her.

2009-01-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

Wendy Arnold LOVES hot tamales. EVERYONE knows that.

I was preparing a "truth or dare" game at one of our girl trips. Different pieces of candy, linked to different secret truths or embarrassing tasks were put into a cup. The unlucky individual that chose the hot tamale would be awarded the most humiliating deed to perform. Having previous knowledge of Wendy's violent attraction towards this small, red candy, I felt certain that she would be the one to be "do(ing) a sexy dance down the circular staircase", as the rest of us laughed at her unfortunate circumstances. My evil plans were falling into place. Or so I thought.

I passed the cup around, a satisfied and sinister smile upon my face. I looked into the cup to see which piece of candy had been rejected by all others. The piece that was to be MY piece.

I hate it when karma comes back to bite you in the back side!

You have to watch it sideways. Alison recorded it and let's face it... she's a little sideways. (But that's why I love her!!!)

2008-10-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

My Genius Child

My 8 year old son drew this self portrait. That's right... 8 YEARS OLD!!! I know all moms think their children are amazing and wonderful, but... this is AMAZING and WONDERFUL!!!

2008-09-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

The coolest Kinder Egg toy EVER!!!

To those of you who don't know what Kinder Eggs are, I say boo!

I discovered these chocolate candy eggs that hold a surprise toy inside while in Russia.

One such Kinder Egg held this...

It's a dog...

It's a Little Man!!!

Isn't that absolutely amazing!?! I don't know why I love this so much, but I do.

Is that so wrong?

Before I got mine, my friend Missy got one that was a hedgehog/little man.

I coveted it.

I despised her for owning it.

I tried to steal it.

It didn't work.

I cried.

Now that I have my own, I have returned to loving her again.

All is as it should be in the universe.

2008-09-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

I found some old yearbook pics of myself. Ah! Those were the good old days. I was voted "Most likely win an E.T. look alike contest". I still can't figure out if that was a compliment or not.

If you'd like to dig up some of your old yearbook photos, go to yearbookyourself.com
It's amazing what you'll find.

Girls Camp '08

2008-08-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Wilderness Wars
Tina Gifford VS. Black Bear Mama

The arena is gone, only to be replaced by the great outdoors. The thundering crowd has vanished, becoming only a faint scent on the wind. The only spectators are a few furry woodland creatures. Yet the battle will be just as vicious. In the red corner, Black Bear Mama with her two cubs. In the blue corner, Tina with her two friends. Although equal in number, the teams are grotesquely uneven. Good thing Tina brought her ninja skills with her! The teams face each other,the first stage of the battle being fought with the mind. The competition is sized up, their weaknesses sought out to later be used against them. Strengths are also noted and mentally filed away in a cool, calculated way. Bear: big sharp claws; Tina: Ninja skills. Bear: Big sharp teeth; Tina: ninja skills. Bear: really strong; Tina: ninja skills. Bear: can run really fast; Tina: ninja skills. Strategy is cunningly laid. All this happens in the blink of an eye. A strange wind picks up, blowing neighboring trees in anticipation, yet a circle of eerie calm encases the opponents. Suddenly, the blue team springs into action. Stealthily they back away around the corner, away from the bears piercing gaze. (A bear's Jedi mind powers are very strong.) Then, relying on Tina's ninja skills, the knowledge and wisdom she has accumulated over the years and countless hours of training, they RUN FOR IT!!!
(ninja skills TOTALLY include running away and screaming like a little girl. Although as a ninja, your little girl screaming takes place inside the confines of your mind.)

Yeah, so I pretty much won that one too.
(I didn't get eaten did I???)

Girls Camp '08

2008-08-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

The Push-up Wars
Tina Gifford VS. 20 Priesthood leaders

The arena seats are filled to maximum capacity, all eyes focused on the spectacle on stage. The once dead microphone crackles to life in the hands of the commentator. In the red corner, weighing in at an accumulative estimated weight of 4000 lbs, masses twenty priesthood leaders. In the blue corner, weighing in at 100 lbs, Tina Gifford stands alone. The rules are simple; whomever completes the most push-ups in one minutes time is crowned the victor. A hush falls over the crowd as the competitors assume the possition. A shrill whistle blow pierces the air, simultaneously spurring the athletes into motion and releasing the spectators from their spell-bound silence. The crowds yells drown out the grunts of effort coming from the red side. Already some of their team have succumed to exhaustion and lay helpless on the concrete floor. The blue side is quiet, each push-up as easily executed as the one before it. The crowds favorite is easily distinguished as its shout begins to form into a rythm of chanting. "TINA! TINA!" Time has hit its halfway mark. "32, 33, 34..." The crowd screams out each push towards victory. "38, 39, 40..." As Tina's number count mounts, so does the dropped out members of the red team. "45, 46, 47..." Soon, one lone man remains. "53, 54, 55..." The minutes end approaches. The last man knows he is simply too far behind to win, yet he laboriously continues to try and hold on to some dignity. "59, 60, 61!!!" The crowd goes wild as the final whistle blows, ending the battle. The champion gets to her feet. The red teams sits, defeated, in stunned silence. The adoring crowd stands in celebratory jubilation. 61 push-ups in 60 seconds. It was a push-up war that would go down in the history books.

That was rather quite fun winning. I guess all those push-ups in Taekwondo have paid off.

RYAN GRADUATED!!!

2008-06-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

Last night was Ryan's last night of school... FOREVER!
He now has his masters degree!
He knows LOTS of stuff.

That's one of his professors in the background coming to give him a pat on the back.

2008-06-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

2008-06-03T14:46:00.000-07:00

My family is groovier than yours!

(I'm the baby)

Toad's B-day

2008-05-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

My big brother's birthday was yesterday. I forgot to call him. I always remember his birthday on the 29th. He obviously was meant to be born on the 29th, so it's not MY fault for remembering a day late... it's HIS fault for being born on the wrong day!!! Being born early was extremely inconsiderate of him. If only he knew the guilt I suffer from his impatience to exit the womb. SHEESH!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOAD!!!

I am a scumbag sister, and I grovel at your feet!

(Bet you didn't know I have this, did you?)

2008-05-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

Today I was able to smash in our car window with a hammer! And not just for the fun of it. My son accidentally locked my daughter in the van along with my keys. I tried to get her to push the unlock button, but she didn't understand. I didn't have time to call someone to come unlock it for us, because she began to get sleepy... it was amazingly scary how fast she got too hot. So out came the hammer. It was also surprising how easily the window broke. I never knew!

2008-04-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

The most beautiful salad in the world! For those of you that don't notice it at first glance, I pity your existence. It's the Cafe Rio Pork Barbacoa salad of course! With its AMAZING dressing and sweet pork... oh! I dream of this salad. I wish to expose my deep and violent feelings for this dish, and I shall in a poem. (this is my 16th and final draft.)

Roses are Red

Violets are blue

Cafe Rio Pork Barbacoa Salad

I love you!!!

It's not quite Shakespeare... it needs some tragedy... so here it is:

THERE IS NO CAFE RIO IN TOOELE!

2008-03-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

Our Princess turned 2 on friday. Isn't she adorable? I made the cake myself. I'm rather quite proud of it. That is, I WAS rather quite proud of it... until the dog jumped on the stove and ate it! At least he seemed to enjoy it.

2008-03-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged. Only because Shanna cheated. I guess that means that I'm "It". As punishment for being tagged, along with tagging someone else, I have to divulge 7 secrets about myself...

#1 I never got tagged growing up. I was the Ultimate Tagging Champion. I beat all the boys.

#2 I lost my first tooth when I was 9 and had my two front teeth missing in 5th grade during Christmas time. Add to that the fact that I was freakishly small. In 6th grade, my teacher thought I was in Kindergarten. I was really popular.

#3 My stupid human tricks include: Jiggling my eyeballs, making a clover out of my tongue, and um... well, that's about it.

#4 I have an elf ear. (just one)

#5 I laugh in my sleep... A LOT!

#6 I have the PERFECT ending for the Twilight series. Of course Stephenie Meyer hasn't asked me what it is.

#7 I HATE TOENAILS! They are nasty and evil. Ryan's Grandma had really long, thick, yellow ones. I couldn't be in the same room with her. Even if she had shoes on, I still knew they were there. Waiting to attack. I also don't like things with lots of little holes in them. It makes me cringe and want to scratch it until it's smooth.

Kaylynn, you're it!

2008-03-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

We just got back from DISNEYLAND. It was my first time going EVER!! Pretty pathetic, I know. I won't go into the gruesome details of the challenges I have faced trying to grow into a normal adult without having seen Mickey in person. It is all too shocking. I enjoyed myself as much as the kids. Here's a few of the kids favorite activities. (My personal fav was the Buzz Lightyear ride... mostly because I kicked Ryan's can at it!!!)

MATT'S FAVORITES

*Soarin' Over California

*Getting soaked on Grizzly River Run

*Rock wall

CARTER'S FAVORITES

*Tire Swing

*Crocket Hat!

*Jumpin' Jellyfish

MARY'S FAVORITES

*Being a Princess!

*Playing with her shadow

*Sleeping in the stroller

Taekwondo class

2008-02-25T22:46:00.000-08:00

A bunch of my students tested for their senior white belts. Aren't they cute? A-hem... I mean TOUGH looking! (You can't call kids in a Taekwondo class "cute"!)

2008-02-24T16:31:00.000-08:00

And this one... AMAZING! If you come to America, that's all you really need to know how to say.

Worst music video EVER!

2008-02-23T22:09:00.000-08:00

You HAVE to watch this!!!

Perm, Russia

2008-02-21T22:02:00.000-08:00

Ten years ago I was in Perm, Russia teaching English to children. TEN years ago!!! That makes me feel extremely old! This post is dedicated to the good old days in Mother Russia. Enjoy the pics and experts from my journal.

"...I can't believe how numbingly cold it is here! I wear 7 layers and still chatter and shiver my way about. Russia has defined cold!" Picture taken in the middle of May.

"...I ride the trolleybus to and from school. It is quite the experience. They load people on until you are sure you can hear the hinges and bolts squeaking in protest. Today I was at the back of the bus, and as more and more people made their way on, I was pressed up against the back window. Soon, I was pressed up against the foggy glass so tightly, that my feet actually came up off the floor! There I was, dangling away, my little feet kicking and swaying with the bus. I would have laughed out loud if it hadn't been for my face being smothered in the black, vodka scented, leather jacket of the man in front of me!"

"I love my class! We call ourselves the 'Knights'. All of the classes have Arthurian names. The kids in my class are Danil, Yulia, Sonya, Sasha, Olya and Nikita. Today Danil came up to me, put his arms around my head and asked, "Why is your head SO SMALL?" ...The school is quite a sight with corroding walls, little to no furniture, and no flushing toilets. I never realized how plush my life is until I came here."

"...My Russian little sister is such a doll! Her name is Ksusha. We have so much fun in my room at night playing games and taking silly pictures." "...Today Roma came up to me and whispered in my ear, "When I grow up can I marry you, because I love you!" Left to Right: Ksusha, Roma, Dasha

While visiting Yekaterinburg: "...After visiting the Romanov grave site, we went and ate at McPeak's, a McDonald's that was overtaken by the mafia! The food was exactly the same. After we went to an outdoor market. We hadn't been there for too long before we realized we were being followed by gypsies. It only started with a few, but soon grew to a mob! They wanted us to buy their goods, and when Karalee declined, they grabbed her hair, broke some off and began shouting at us. They were apparently cursing us. At their cries, a group of gypsie men began heading our direction. We began running out of the park and I peeked over my shoulder and was horrified to see them running after us! Fear spurred us on a little faster, and they gave up the chase after a block."

"...Today I was able to travel back in time and visit OLD Russia. We went to a place called Kongor. It was a small villiage made up of old wooden houses. They were beautiful! In the houses I felt as though if I was quiet enough I would be able to actually hear the voices of the people that had lived there hundreds of years ago." "... As I was walking out of the mill, Sergei wanted us to pose for a picture. He began the countdown. 3.. 2.. just as he snapped the picture, little Michael mooned the camara! I've never seen Sergei (his dad) so embarrassed!"

* "Today we visited the ice caves! They were amazing and a little bit eerie! They were as intricate and awe inspiring as any other cave I've been to, and they were completely made up of ice! There were quite a few areas that you could travel through by sliding on your bottom. It was so much fun!"

While in Moscow. "... Later we went to Red Square. It was great to be able to see St. Basil's Cathedral in real life. The man who designed it was put to death so that he would never be able to design another like it."

While in St. Petersburg. "I LOVE St. Petersburg. I have never been anywhere so beautiful. The buildings take your breath away! If I ever get a chance to come back to Russia, this is where I want to come!" "Today while visiting the Pooshkin Palace, Carrie and I saw a marble bridge that we wanted to take a picture on, unfortunately it was fenced in. Being the bright girls that we are, we decided not to let that stand in our way, and proceeded to jump the fence. We did not get our picture, however, because we were too busy running away after having set off an alarm!"

"...Today was our last day of teaching and our day for saying goodbye to the kids. We had a party, with food, games and lots of tears. I am SO SAD! I can't believe that I will probably never see these kids again! I've been crying all day! I will miss them so much!"

2008-02-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

My husband posted this on youtube. His brother was the one recording it all. Check it out, it's pretty funny.

2008-02-14T20:55:00.000-08:00

The tramp buried alive!

A winter wonderland! As in... I wonder if I'll make it home. Many people were asking themselves that very question last night as a snow storm pounded Utah Wednesday night. I would like to relate the tales of two individuals and their quest to answer this deep and highly symbolic question.

#1. My sister-in-law whom we'll call Fay (names have been changed to protect the innocent). Fay was on her way home from picking up the kids from school. Not just her own kids, but other kids as well. Big kids. Small kids. Short kids. Tall kids. Happy kids. Sad kids. Drive you up the wall kids. Lots and lots of kids. They did not make it very far, however, before they were stuck in a gridlock on the highway. That was around 3:30. By 6:00, Fay was considering abandoning the van, but with wind gusts reaching 70 MPH, and with neither her nor her infant son being equipped with a coat, that wasn't really an option. They had consumed a few granola bars, but they had no water or anywhere to answer the call of nature. They were running out of resources. At 8:30, Fay called her husband Jack. "You HAVE to come rescue us!" Which he did... the hero! He found someone with a four-wheel drive truck and plowed his way to Fay. Fay finally made it home at 9:30 that night. She had been in the van with all those kids for 5 hours!!!

#2. My Master instructor whom we'll call Ray. Ray was on his way home from work. Ray soon discovered that the road leading to his home was closed, so he made a quick stop at Smith's to gather some supplies. He fashioned some water-proof pants out of garbage bags, and covered his hands with socks. He then proceeded to hike his way home through the elements. (Which has to be at least a couple of miles). Very "Survivor Man". Although I don't think he had to eat any bugs.

So, my question to you is... which would be a worse death. To freeze to death hiking wearing garbage bag pants, or death by kids. Hmm... I think I'd have to go with the kids on this one.

2008-02-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

I'm in an abusive relationship with my laundry!

My loved ones tell me to leave it, but I just can't seem to. Every time I try to break free, it slowly comes creeping back without me even realizing it and soon has, once again, ensnared me in its web of torture. I have dreams where I'm fleeing my laundry, but I can't run and my ninja skills are useless against it. I scream, but no one can hear me, because my laundry has shoved itself down my throat. It's horrible!

It wasn't always this way. In our period of courtship, I thought nothing could come between us. But the rose colored glasses came off all too quickly. It started with just a general dislike towards one another that slowly escalated. I'm ashamed to say that I have, on occasion, said some choice words to my laundry that I am not proud of. My laundry retaliated however, and struck where it knew to be the most damaging. It chewed up one of my favorite tapes. It cut me deep. I thought it would end there, with simple name calling and the destroying of valuable items, but my laundry is vicious and unpredictable. It had a plan! First it gathered in strength, knowing it would need its full power. Then, when the laundry basket was almost too heavy to carry, it struck. That's right. It FORCED me to fall down the stairs. The fall was not a graceful one, and I did not come out unscathed. Now I live my life in fear. Fear of what it might do next. But, what can I do? I am completely at its mercy. Maybe we'll all move to a nudist colony.

2008-02-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

Top 10 reasons why having a baby sister rocks!

(according to Matthew)

10. She laughs harder for me than for anyone else.

9. There's another person around smaller than me.

8. She keeps mom & dad preoccupied while I sneak candy.

7. She's easy to catch when playing Chase.

6. She's easy to find when playing Hide n Seek.

5. She lets me hold her.

4. My name is her favorite one to say.

3. She's cute.

2. She is one of my minions.

And the #1 reason why having a baby sister rocks is:

YOU CAN BLAME STUFF ON HER!!!

(Mom and Dad will NEVER know!!!)

Who knew Mary could write at 18 months?

2008-01-30T11:34:00.000-08:00

My Daughter is an artistic prodigy!!!

I've always hoped that one of my children would get my artistic gene, and now one has! My daughter has begun painting. I know, I know. "She is way too young!" You are thinking to yourself, but it's true! When I put her down for her nap, the artistic genius inside her awakens and takes over her little body. While I am completely unaware, thinking she is off in dreamland, masterpieces are being created. Her canvas: The walls. And when that runs out, her crib, blankets, pillow, stuffed rabbit, even her own body is sacrificed to the vision. Her medium: Poo. That's right. I can't believe how, not only creative, but resourceful my daughter is. It's handy, it never runs out, and it gives off that special something that paint just can't. I have to say, when I walk in and see the beauty that she has created all around her, it really does bring a tear to the eye.

FYI: That's chocolate cookie on her mouth, NOT poo!

2008-01-28T14:10:00.000-08:00

Our own little Hobbit

People tell us that Carter looks like Elijah Wood. Hmm... What do you think?

2008-01-26T19:21:00.001-08:00

I was given a lot of advise about dating by numerous people. My parents, young women leaders, friends, even my siblings. Some of their advise included "Don't date before you're 16", "Don't single date until you're 18", "Don't stay out past curfew", "Only date boys with high standards", "Play on the offense" (which meant 'flirt' according to my sister) and other such jewels of knowledge. But NEVER, amongst all the imparting of wisdom by my elders, did anyone ever advise me NOT to wear a see-through shirt when around black lights. That little tidbit of information could have come in very handy as I prepared to go on my 3rd date with Ryan. Featured to the left is a picture of us posing in our 70s attire as we prepared to go disco skating. Look very closely at the shirt adorning my body. Look VERY closely. It seems completely non-transparent. Surprisingly enough, however, it becomes extremely transparent when under black lights. Of course I didn't notice this magical change as I was skating away to Abba songs, but Ryan sure did. I think his exact words were, "Um Tina, every time you skate under one of those black lights, your bra lights up." That was a proud moment in my life and I reflect upon it with much fondness and not with any embarrassment whatsoever.

BSA

2008-01-23T21:22:00.001-08:00

B.S.A.

I just joined a new support group. Body Spasmers annonymous, or B.S.A. (Not to be confused with Boy Scouts of America) It took me a long time to realize I had a problem. I lived in that dark world of denial for far too long. But now, I walk in the

sun. And more importantly, I walk in the sun without body spasming.

(Left and Right pictures: Body Spasming at its worst!)

This post is dedicated to all those out there who don't realize that they could be suffering from Body Spasmer Syndrome. Recent studies have shown that as many as 78% of the population could be suffering from BSS (sometimes just shortened to BS), and that only .000000000001% recognize and are treated for this disabling condition. If you have any or all of the listed symptoms, please ask your doctor about BS today.

*Sudden spontaneous posing of body

*Uncontrolled "strut" walking

*Uncontrolled hip swaying

and of course

*Flu like symptoms

(these symptoms may or may not worsen in the vicinity of a camera.)

Also, there is a wonderful support group for those who suffer from BS called BSA. So far, I am the only member, but I feel certain that this post will change all that as it reaches MILLIONS across the world, beaconing them to come! Come and soak up the sun with me it the sunny, sun filled, sun-shiny sunlight of finally getting help for BS.

*FYI, spasming IS a word!

*Oh yeah, so is spasmer

Ninja Parade

2008-01-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

I can't believe they caught me! I was trying to be so careful too!

2008-01-22T15:49:00.000-08:00

Genetic testing is really quite simple when you think about it. Just a quick swab of the cheek, run it through a machine and presto! However, my husband came up with a much simpler way to prove parenthood. Like most inspired ideas, this one came to him while sleeping. Let us travel now to the land of Ryan's dreams. Doolalaloo, Doolalaloo, Doolalaloo. (That's the sound it makes when you travel into someone's subconscious.)

The setting: Well Dreamland of course, SILLY!

The plot: Ryan's three children have been turned back into babies.

The conflict: Not only have they been turned back into babies, but they look exactly the same as about 100 babies around them. How to tell which are his?

Now this may seem like an impossible situation. Hundreds of babies that all look the same! What ever is to be done? Have no fear, Ryan's brain is here! He came up with a solution that involves cutting edge technology.

The solution: It's quite simple; just follow these three easy steps.

1. Shrink the babies down to the size of a lima bean.

2. Place in either nostril.

3. Watch to see if baby sprouts out your nose. If it sprouts, congratulations! You're the parent. If not, don't loose hope! Just try another.

I think this process is brilliant and deserves scientific exploration. If we could introduce this concept to the world and make it available to the public, the benefits would be immeasurable. No more uncomfortable cotton swabs. No more waiting around for some machine! No more having to take a doctor's word for it! Now you can see the IMMEDIATE results for yourself!

Of course research isn't free. Funding for a project of this magnitude is not easy to obtain. But you can help! Just send cash, check, money order, precious stones, family heirlooms to:

BabySprouts, inc.

743 n frankenstein road

65436

2008-01-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

My son tried to bribe me to NOT take him to the doctor today. I have to say it was quite tempting... he did offer me, not one, but TWO quarters. Just think of all the glamourous things I could have bought!

2008-01-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

Grandma Sims died. People tell me how sorry they are, but truth be told, when I found out my heart gave a little leap of joy. That may seem so unfeeling, but here's why:

My grandma lost her husband and two year old baby girl, Loraine, in the same devastating car crash. She has also suffered from Alzheimers disease for the past 15 years. Towards the end, she kept trying to find Loraine and Mac. She would say; "I can't find Loriane! I think something happened to her." Or; "I don't know where Mac is... I think he might be dead."

It was as though she had to relive that pain over and over again.

When I received news of her passing, all I could think was, "Finally! Finally after all these years she gets to see them again. To feel the strength and security of her husbands arm around her, to hear the delicate laughter of her child. To tell them how much she has missed them and how many years her heart ached for them."

I can't imagine loosing either my husband or my child, and I can't imagine having to wait to live out my life before I was able to be with them again.

I am so happy for my grandma!

On a lighter note, like I mentioned before, Grandma suffered from alzheimers and I must say she did some very silly things.

Grandma had 5 children, 3 sons and 2 daughters. Bill, her oldest, moved in with her when her alzheimers was just beginning to manifest itself. Whenever she couldn't find something (something that she hadn't had for 50 years) she would blame Bill. The worse her condition became, the more poor Bill got accused of evil doings. Even after he moved out, Bill was still the culprit for missing items. Grandma had bars put on all her windows, because she thought Bill would sneak into her house at night as steal various treasures. Bill had become, in her mind, the cause of all her ails. Grandma had to be put into an assisted living facility because she was no longer able to take care of her own needs. My dad, Don, was the one given the task of taking her there. He was worried about his assignment, knowing that my grandma's reaction was not going to be pleasant. I told him, "Don't worry Dad, she'll forget it was you that took her there anyway and just blame Bill." Sure enough, about a week after they had moved her into the facility, she said to my parents as they were visiting her, "That darn Bill! He brought me here and left me! I can't believe he would do such a thing!"

My grandma was always trying to escape her new home. She would move from door to door rattling the handles and trying the locks. One day she said to one of the workers, "How do you get out of this place?" The worker kindly told her there was no way out. "Well, what do you do if there's a fire?" She asked disgustedly. "Don't worry Brenna, if there's a fire we'll get everyone out safely." My grandma perked up at this and said. "Ah! So there is a way to get out. All I have to do is start this place on fire!"

I love you Grandma. Thank you for your amazing life. For your courage in raising 4 children alone. For your strength of spirit. For your spunk. For you candy dishes and gum. And most of all for your sense of humor, laughter and funny stories.

2008-01-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

The Booby Trap 6000

Newly updated from the Booby Trap 3000

The same great broom, but now with the bonus pan lid feature.

"I never thought I could part with my Booby Trap 3000, but when I saw the Booby Trap 6000

with bonus pan lid, I just couldn't believe my eyes!

Goodbye Booby Trap 3000... HELLO Booby Trap 6000!"

-Suzy Lemonjello, CA

"I never thought they could perfect something that was already perfect, but the Booby

Trap Co. have outdone themselves again!"

- Honores Kobelco, FL

"I bought one for my mother, sister and all my girlfriends. They make

the perfect gift!

-Princess Consuella, Consuella Isl.

"Thank you Booby Trap 6000!"

- Eldin Giffroy, Down Under

Suggested retail price: $350

Now yours for only $299.99

Call now!

Don't be the only chump on your block without the

Booby Trap 6000 with bonus pan lid.

I've trained in martial arts for over 10 years, we own a dog and a gun, yet I still set this up when Ryan is gone over-night. I precariously balance it against the door leading to the basement, so that if anyone opens that door... BANG, CRASH! Yes, I am quite inventive. Leave it to the broom and pan lid to save me when all else fails!

The big poo poo that goes to work

2008-01-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

I never thought of bodily functions as having gender.

Matthew, age 3: "Mommy, pee pee is a girl and poo poo is a boy."
Mom: "really!"
Matthew: "You are a big pee pee, Carter is a little poo poo, I am a little poo poo and daddy is the big poo poo that goes to work!"

2008-01-06T12:23:00.001-08:00

The other night at taekwondo I kicked someone in the face causing blood to be spilt. I hate it when that happens.

2008-01-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

Triple D sized bras are amazing. For not only can they support the largest of breasts, but they can also be used as a great hiding place. I was at Wal-mart with my kids last night. Always a bad idea. My eight year old son, being disgruntled by the fact that I was against him spitting on his younger brother, hanging on the cart like a monkey and running through the isles, yelling at the top of his lungs like a barbarian, stormed off around the corner in disgust. To further show his displeasure he kicked one of his new shoes into the air. Naturally, he didn’t follow the path of the flying shoe with his eyes, and came back to me with one shoe missing. He happened to be standing by the ladies underwear section when his shoe took flight, so that is where our search commenced. I never thought I’d have my son look through women’s underwear, but there we were peering through boxes of panties, hung bras, and crawling on our bellies to peek under isles. We probably looked like a bunch of perverts. Soon, no less that 5 employees had joined our search party, but to no avail. The shoe could not be found. (I would just like to add that these shoes were pretty expensive and he’d only had them since Christmas.)
My daughter did not find this game amusing, and was letting her vocals ring out at a very specific frequency that penetrates the head and melts the brain. I think I pulled more than a few hairs out in exasperation. Finally after a FULL HOUR of searching, the elusive black shoe was found, practically invisible, nestled snuggly inside the cup of a triple D black bra. Being a woman with a smaller chest size, I was completely clueless to the amount that such a bra could contain… and conceal. I have to say I am amazed. Irritated, frustrated and now slightly more bald, but amazed all the same.

2008-01-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

Why She-ra is better than Wonder Woman:

She-ra

*Has a sword

*related to He-man

*Name shorter and easier to say

*more gold!!!

*country neutral

*can speak telepathically with animals

*no invisible gimmicks-obviously doesn't need them!

*less prone to wedgies

*hair poofier

Wonder Woman

*only has a flimsy piece of rope

*not related to ANYONE cool

*name a tongue twister

*Less gold!!!

*can only fight for the USA

*only has animal empathy- NO telepathic abilities

*relies on her invisible plane- which you can still see her head by the way!

*wedgies galore!

*could use a little more back-combing

2008-01-02T11:28:00.000-08:00

Salad tongs. What a glorious thing.
Created one steamy night in which Mr. Fork crept secretly over to the forbidden spoon tray to have a rendezvous with Miss Spoon.
Not one, but two offspring were the result. Siamese twins conjoined at the hip. Rounded like a spoon, yet forked on the end, they are the perfect blend of their parents.
The Doctors said to cast them aside. Their deformity would never allow them to be accepted into society, being neither spoon nor fork. They couldn't have been more wrong, for these two humble sporks exceeded all expectations by becoming something that no other could. The salad tongs.
I went to my sister's house for a barbecue. Her artistic salad waited for the first hungry person to come and try its delights. As I made my way towards it, it seemed to ruffle its lettuce leaves proudly like a peacock on display. I stopped suddenly all color draining from my face as I looked in horror at her so called “salad”. Two spoons lay in the salad, tarnishing it's beauty, much like a large zit on a model's nose.
“Where are the salad tongs?” I managed to squeak out, my voice betraying my inner turmoil.
My sister only shrugged as if to say, “Don't know, don't care.”
I gripped a nearby chair for support as the room lurched beneath my feet. How could my own sister, my own flesh and blood be so uncaring, so unfeeling, so DEAD inside.
You may be asking yourself, “What do salad tongs have to do with anything?”
Well, the answer is:
I would like to take those salad tongs and RIP MY BACK OUT!!!!

I wrote that about 6 months prior to my disk replacement surgery. Now, I am the BIONIC WOMAN. All should fear me.

2008-01-02T11:26:00.000-08:00